I've felt desperate lately. Not desperate in a 'jump off a cliff'-way. No, more like 'something needs to change in my life'-way. It's hard to explain the ins and outs of my thoughts, especially since they come and go faster than I can possibly type. But here's my attempt at venting in public....sans the total embarrassment.
For a while now, I've felt like I was meant for more than what I've been doing with my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family, and God's blessed us in more ways that I can count. I can't really complain about my job...ummm...mostly.
No, this feeling is more about not fulfilling my full potential. I never finished school. I've never really had a fullfilling career. I never seem to have time for family. I never seem to have time for myself. I haven't even made time for God. And I think that's what's at the heart of this emptiness. I've never really made a commitment to make time for God, above all. And that can't be good, huh? I mean, here I am, playing with the worship band, playing and leading people in worship....yet I don't make time for MY own personal time with my God. What's up with that?
Well, recently, I've had so much in my mind. Work, family, finances, friends, church. It's funny, because now I know what every 'Man of the Family' knew: It's not easy! But why shouldn't it be? God's given us the option to lay it all on Him, should we choose to. But I'm prideful. I've always waited until there's no choice to leave it up to Him. I should know better.
Along with my concerns and problems, there's been rays of light here and there. I haven't been more inspired to start writing music like I have lately. I've also been wanting to take online classes....start a website/blog....start a production company....start a band....write a script....landscape our home....teach my daughter to play the piano....photography....painting....etc. etc. etc.....you get the picture. I've got ADD. That is my personal assessment (and I'm no doctor). Too much to do, too little time! Problem's been I start something, but never finish it....and that gets me down too. Lots of ambition, little focus.
So last Sunday, one of our pastors spoke to us about the
Old Testament (I confess, I was falling asleep....lack of sleep, not interest - I assure you). Nothing really spoke to me....until the end. 1 life changing choice that will stay with me: "
Focus on pleasing God, not pleasing man." WOW! Hit me like ton of bricks! I've had it wrong in my mind all this time! That was the answer to all my anxieties.....I've been pleasing people around me, I've been pleasing myself, but not pleasing God. Not even by a long-shot.
So I've been mulling it over in my head, but not putting it into practice. Still felt the same way. That is until tonight, when a friend at work asked me what was REALLY going on, and I opened up to him. Well, before I could even get to tell him about last Sunday's smack in the face.....he says, "Maybe you need to pray, pray REAL hard for God's purpose with you. Focus on Him, and His will, not yours. You need His direction, not anyone else's." What the?!?!?!? Talk about God using my friend as a 'Burning Bush'!!! LOL!
I'm feeling good tonight. I just read a friend's blog about his shared experience with his wife on writing their first worship song together. We've promised each other, along with another close friend, that we would get together and write songs for our church....and I can't wait for us to do so. But because of my scheduling at work, it probably won't happen until next weekend. But now I know why God made it so. I need to pray. Pray hard. And I need to talk to my God, chat with Him. Ask my Father what He want from me, how I can please Him everyday. I need to hear His voice and be assured that I'm eye to eye with Him.
So, I'm sure that putting off getting together with my buds to write worship music for another week won't hurt. I think I need to ask for permission from my Dad before I go out and play, you know?
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